Heart of Hearts: Deeper Than It May Seem

I just finished debating for the very first time yesterday. The first round was freaking scary. We went up against SMK Gunung Rapat, a cluster school. The motion was science is a threat against humanity (we were opposing) . I think we messed up pretty badly. When I went up to speak, some kind of haze just fell on my eyes and I said something. When I sat back down, every one was clapping I don't know what happened. And surprisingly, we won. But the head judge said I had to be more sarcastic. Then, we went up against ACS with the motion a student's excellence begins at home. We were better than we were in the first round and we (apparently) almost, almost won. The ACS debaters were amazing, particularly the thrid speaker. They were really mean but apparently in a debate there is no holding back.  When I went up to speak, my hand was shaking so bad the ACS boys were laughing. But again, that haze fell in front of me and I just started talking. This time, I was sarcastic. But terrified. I was nominated the Best Debater which was crazy because I had no idea what I said. We lost though. But we felt like we won some how. Ha, ha. Anyway, we found out later that the ACS boys were holding back on us. They didn't actually release their full wrath. But they were still awesome, particularly the third speaker.


This had really been a great experience. I never knew I could actually fight back with people like that. I never knew how much Annie and Nabil meant to me before that. Our juniors, Keshana and Sharunya were so freaking sweet to us, they made four banners for us, FOUR!!! One said 'Don't Quit' with the DO and the IT shaded. The other said 'Tres Magnifique'. It was amazing. Ms Lau was a great mentor too. She said we were awesome, particularly since it was our first time. But we are going all out to win next year, now that we know what we lack.


Sometimes, I think what we know of ourselves is just a silver of who we actually are. We have so much potential. So much more. Just so much., much more. And I really want to test myself. I really want to know more about ME. After all, what is the nest way to understand others but through understanding yourself? The other way is to see what people think of you of course but then we aren't telepathic, no matter how awesome it maybe.


There are several types of people in this world. Some of them became the muses for the characters in my book (a fan fiction series for Percy Jackson and the Olympians). Alva, was based on the person I want to be, frankly speaking. I want to be strong like her. I want to be hard like her. But then, as I grew older, I learnt that every one has cracks, has a past that haunts them and wakes them in the middle of the night sweating. A past that keeps them p at night wondering what did they do wrong and if they would ever be able to forgive that person. I know I do.


Then, there's Vanessa, who is based on my best friend. She is insecure and eager to please. She seems nice and sweet and cute, so everyone underestimates her. In Vanessa's case, it is the future that haunts her (later in the series) She has to learn to take somethings and leave others. She has to learn to choose. Then, of course, there's heartbreak. (Isn't there always?)


Nico is the brooding, serious type whom everyone thinks they have all figured out. He is a character in the original series but I expanded him a little. Beneath his armor, he is actually sensitive and hurt. He holds grudges and hates that everyone has this predetermined view of him but follows that view anyway. He hates that he is being abandoned by people all the time and is afraid of that happening again.


Connor, (MY Connor, Jo!) is something like my ideal guy I suppose :P. He's tall and funny but can be serious when he wants to be. In Connor's case, he thinks everyone's better than him. He has a past too and he blames himself for it. Connor's really sweet actually, he's just a little insecure and is an amazing prankster.


I see bits and pieces of my characters in every one. D is Vanessa, no matter how much she denies it.  Jo Yi reminds me of Alva and Connor and Vanessa. Annie is a little if Vanessa and a little of Nico. Prema - Alva and Vanessa. Nabil - Vanessa. They aren't exactly like them, just a little. Just like my characters, these are the people I never want to lose in my life. When I was younger, I wanted lots and lots of friends. But then I heard the proverb 'Someone with no enemies is a coward' .I didn't want to be a coward. So yeah, I guess I have people who hate me now for who I am. But I don't really care. Hate on me all you want. I'm not saying I'm never going to change. I'll change of course, but for the better I hope. I never going to be some complacent person who sits in the shadow of someone else. Like hell will I be that person again just because one person doesn't like me and is going around bitching about it.


I had choir competition on Tuesday too. What I remembered the most about then was the praying. Everyone around me was praying: Harinder, Tham, Sylvianna, Michelle, Naomi, everyone! And I just felt, I don't know, empty. For a moment, I saw what I was missing, being an atheist. I missed out on the believe that someone is always listening to me. I missed on out the feeling that when all else fails that person will still help me. I missed out on the fact that when no one believes me, someone will. I just sat there staring at them with my throat closed up so tight feeling ... I don't know, lonely? I think that's the closest I can get. I felt all alone in the world. It was... profound. It hurt, badly. Really, really badly. I don't think I'll forget what I felt at that moment in a long time. It really, really hurt. But I'm still an atheist, No buts about it. I can't pray, I just don't feel it. I can't believe, I just can't accept it. I don't know why I'm such a huge freak. I don't blame them if my friends hate me. I understand. I just don't know why. 


I feel left out a lot these days. Its like I just disappear. D forgets about me a lot. She has a lot on her mind, no matter how much I tell her that what people think doesn't really matter. But I think I'm afraid that someday she'll just forget about me. Why should she care? I mean, she's really awesome and sociable and all, and people really like her. I'm just some tall, shy freak. D has lots of friends, Jo Yi, Hashwini, Geet, Slyvianna, Syuhadah and I can go on until tomorrow. I can't even talk to the friends I have. 


So yeah, maybe someday everyone will just move on and leave me behind fading with the wall paper.

Nico Di Angelo

Jenna, the main protagonist

Vanessa

Vanessa and Nico

Clara, only she doesn't where kimonos.